Now that I’m single, it’s time for me to put myself out there the way God intended: the personal ad. So, here it is:
FIRE SALE! SWM, 37, divorced, seeks F, 35-45ish, for fun and possible soulmatery. Must be able to keep up with a bewildering and largely pointless pastiche of literary, intellectual, and cultural references I can’t seem to turn off. Ability to smile indulgently at fumbling attempts to “keep it together” and occasional breathtaking lapses of self-awareness a plus. Must feel superior to football fans. And would it kill you to tell me every once in a while that I look nice? Really, now. No Juggalos please. Smokers or carnivores acceptable; smokivores OK but had better be really damned good-looking. Ready to settle? Send your picture and a writing sample to “Manager’s Special,” Box 563.